What to do?

Ready to listen, when you are ready and able...

They've extended it for two years, so having another baby is possible this week

I know I just heaved a big sigh of relief!!!

I just feel so lost IYKWIM? i am really having trouble finding the source of this, being apathetic doesn't help
it's like it's such an effort to function for the day to day stuff that i'm too worn out to delve any further. I've been going to bed at 9pm alone, DH brings Christian in around 11, so i'm getting some time to unwind, but i'm so tired i just fall asleep and have weird dreams. I've tried examining my dreams as i know it's my subconcious mind shedding things, but the overwhelming dream is my children being harmed. I dreamt that DD2(3) got her hand stuck in an elevator door. I managed to free her hand by forcing the doors open, but as i pull her back, Christian falls down the elevator shaft and i can't see or hear him. I forced myself awake and made my self think on facts i:e i know he is safe, DD2 is safe etc.. It's only the two younger children that are injured in my dreams, and i always lose Christian in them. be back later, don't really know how i feel seeing this typed out

I'm interested to know what your interpretation of these dreams are, PG. They certainly sound distressing!

Apathy sometimes can be a good thing- it's your body and psyche's way of allowing you to slow down so that, when the time is right, you can sift through all the "stuff" and tune in more with your own self.

The answers WILL come up...

Thanks for listening everyone, the fact that i can wake up and reprogramme these dreams tell me that even though they are frightening, they do not control me. Control is a big issue at the moment, my family is learning that they can not control me, and that i am in fact, an adult wether they choose to acknowledge it or not.

Sometimes i think the dreams reflect this, i:e when i lose Christian, he is not screaming or calling out for me, he just disapears from sight. I think that might be how i don't need my family to manipulate and pull me down and they are finally seeing this. Sometimes i think it might be more as i was seperated from Christian at birth for so long, that we are so attached now, that it would take him to disconnect alittle as i'm not letting go of him again. I don't mean i smother him, he is quite an independant little fellow, i mean more as i don't want to disapear from his life agin, like when he was born and i was at the mercy of others to bring him to me.

Sometimes i think it might be more as i was seperated from Christian at birth for so long, that we are so attached now, that it would take him to disconnect alittle as i'm not letting go of him again. I don't mean i smother him, he is quite an independant little fellow, i mean more as i don't want to disapear from his life agin, like when he was born and i was at the mercy of others to bring him to me.

Aside from your separation at birth, which is a pertinent and important issue in itself, it is also normal for mothers to go through some kind of 'separation anxiety' regarding their child at around the two to three years mark, as the child begins to look outside the mother-child dyad and more into the world at large.

It's a long process, and will take some months, and also, I imagine, will involve a lot of work and attention on your self and emotions during this time.

I imagine too, with the lack of clarity about whether or not you will have more children, that the process is made a little more complex, as you may be going through the "lasts of the firsts" IYKWIM.

Also too, am I right in thinking that Christian's second birthday is coming up soon? This may have something to do with the dreams.

Christian turns two on October 16th, not far from your little man

I just posted this on Joyous Birth, i thought i'd put it here too. I really needed to get this out

Familar sensations,
body swelling, ripening
moving together in an exqusite dance
time is not an issue
we are in this together
you and i, we dance,
a long, slow dance of labour
rudely interrupted
sharp tones, clock watching,
leave us alone, the dance is important
the dance is union,knowing
too soon, we are abused, we are taking to long
private space invaded, grasping hands break your underwater waltz
pushed forward, sharp pain, my sensations deadned, i can't feel you
i can't dance with legs that won't work
Too soon for me, too long for them
wheeled away, shoved, pulled, torn.
you disappear, unseen,unheard
small talk about MY bodily intergrity
"is it hysterectomy time yet?"
these words haunt me.
Where is my baby, where is my little love, my dance partner
where is he?
Why is he gone?
Two years fly by, re-learning the dance that is uniquely ours
Still haunted,still wounded
"Take solace in that you and he are healthy"
Take solace in our wounding?
Take solace in our rape, our tortue, our seperation?
You mean "don't make us feel guilty for accepting poor treatment"
The hands of false gods stained in blood and animonitic fluid
crushed dreams and hopes leak through gloved fingers.

Thank you for sharing that. It really speaks clearly of some experiences many of us here share.

Very powerful words.

Thansk fro responding, it just kind of rushed out on to the screen iykwim?
I guess i really needed that out, i get teary reading it back. I stopped where i did, as even though i had more, i was emotionally spent. Might get back to it later, i'm after some medcidinal chocolate

Wow! That's a really powerful poem. It really spoke to me. I hope you found it healing to let that stuff find form in poetry, I found it a healing read! Thankyou!

(ps. I normally hate poetry ROFL - but I loved that)

been really busy and meaning to get back to this Thanks for your kind words and wishes everyone. We had a very low-key day for Christian's birthday, it wasn't as bad for me as his first birthday was. Things are looking up,DD1 has gotten back into her schoolwork which is great, i gave her a break as she was not enjoying it and it was becoming a rela chore. She read lots of books during this time and watched the same DVDs as everyone else so it wasn't a stop on learning iykwim. I am having blitz days, where everything is done in an hour and a half, then i crash and don't do anything for two-three days. Mentally i am not as frazzled as i was, i am finding myself a little blunt with people though, my good friends announced their engagement and i had to remind myself to express happiness for them. I WAS happy, i just forgot how to express that, i had to think about smiling! Then i reiterated at leat three times that i WAS happy for them. i don't know, i'm still laughing and smilling with my family, i am having trouble expressing that to others outside of the family.

Hi PG, Just a quick post to say I've read your message, however I am away at the moment and will respond at length after Friday.

Okay. Back here again and ready to respond

We had a very low-key day for Christian's birthday, it wasn't as bad for me as his first birthday was.

That's good, I had a similar experience. Perhaps that first birthday is a significant milestone to get through- for me it was definately more about my son than my feelings, and whilst I still felt sad and regretful about his birth, I was able to put this to the side and really enjoy the day.

I am having blitz days, where everything is done in an hour and a half, then i crash and don't do anything for two-three days.

Do you think that is a problematic or workable pattern for you? Being aware of your energy cycle (although for most women will be over the monthly cycle, or perhaps with the moon, or sometimes longer) can be useful, because you can schedule demanding tasks for your high energy time, and be forgiving of yourself when you are in a 'rest and renewal' phase. I think it's a bit of an odd idea we have that we should be able to maintain the same level of attention, feeling and energy every day.